Sunday, September 12, 2010

I blame the Illuminati

Well, if it's not the Illuminati, then it's the Masons, and if it's not the Masons then it's some secret bovine cabal that wants to destroy humankind by implanting chemical bacteria in our guts. How else do you explain modern day yogurt? I mean, what other product, aside from air fresheners, is as over-advertised? Certainly no other dairy product is: milk? eggs? cheese? Eat GOUDA: it's gooda for me; it's gooda for you!

You can't turn on the TV without suffering a barrage of yogurt ads. And who in sam hell is coming up with these ad pitches? Eat Activia! It'll make your bowels turn green and dance! Why wasn't the ad guy laughed right out of the room? And have you seen their latest marketing tactic? Danone actually wants you to log on to their website and tell them whether you eat Activia for the taste or for the dancing bowel effect. No! Really! They want you to let them know, in writing, if you're regular.

The yogurt wars, I tell you: that's our modern day Coke-Pepsi stand-off. It's the battle of Danone versus Sealtest versus Astro versus Yoplait. Soon, there will only be one standing and I've got my money on Danone. (Except that I don't but more on that later.) Yes, Danone: they're the best at marketing to the kids, you see.

My family eats a lot of yogurt which means I've made my way around the dairy aisle more times than I care to mention. What I know is this: yogurt is changing. The brands I used to buy are always being replaced by new contenders, new flavours and combinations intended to wow us all. You want banana with howaru*, whipped strawberry custard, or mocha deelight? Then there's a yogurt for you. You can get it high fat, low fat, no fat, all sweet, artificially sweet, just fruity, omega fatty acid enhanced AND/OR with any one of a number of bumhole satisfying bacterial cultures. You can buy it in individual servings sizes, as a drink, in a tube, or in a tub. Back in the day, a tub meant 750 ml but now you're lucky if you get 600 ml in a tub. The price, of course, hasn't changed, just the amount. If you find a brand you like, a brand that hasn't given in to the insanity, wait a couple of weeks. If it's still on the market, chances are the only flavour available will be strawberry.

Do me a favour: the next time you're at the grocery store count the number of ingredients in a tub of yogurt. I had a look at a Danino drinkable yogurt recently and the answer was 25. Yes, there were 25 ingredients listed most of which I couldn't pronounce. Number two on the package was sugar. How many ingredients should yogurt contain? Just two: milk solids and bacterial culture.

About a year ago I discovered a local farmer at my farmer's market who sells his own, glorious, 2.5% milk fat yogurt. I eat it plain. Hell, I'd eat it on a train, in the rain while in Spain, it is so darn good. And what's more, he sells the stuff in 2 litre jugs for $5.95. The price simply cannot be beat. And the packaging is about as minimal as you can get.

My daughter used to like this yogurt plain but she's recently gone off it's sour taste. So what do I do when it comes time to send her to school with some yogurty goodness? I haul her thermos out of the cupboard, put in some frozen fruit from the freezer, plop in some plain yogurt and drizzle a little bit of maple syrup on top. She loves it like crazy and it looks just like all those pretenders on the market.

This year, I got adventuresome. When peaches were in season, I blanched and stewed a bunch, then froze them in ice cube trays just like I did when she was a baby. Now if I want peach yogurt, I just reach for a cube and add it. I meant to do the same with plums but haven't got around to it yet. Frozen blueberries, raspberries and strawberries demand far less attention. You can also get crazy, using just maple syrup or adding nuts if you don't need to be mindful of allergies. May I suggest adding stewed prunes if your drains become plugged? Plain yogurt can also be turned into a veggie dip easy as pie. I just add a squirt of prepared mustard and a bit of dill. It's not haute cuisine but the kid loves it. Plus it thwarts the Illuminati and that can only be good, right?

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*fine, thank you very much

20 comments:

  1. we got so disgusted with the crap in yogurt and the many non-recyclable yogurt cups that we switched to buying plain yogurt in large tubs. the kids take it to school in reusable containers with honey or maple syrup drizzled on top. sprinkle on some almonds and we're all in heaven!

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  2. Lacking both the farmer's market option AND the gumption to make it myself, I just buy the large tubs of the plain full-fat yogurt. ANYthing else is loaded with wheat which - by Canadian law! - they don't need to list as an ingredient.

    The Girl won't take yogurt of any sort in her lunch, sadly. 11 year olds have OPINIONS.

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  3. i've seen some of those Activia ads. they're embarrassing.

    i'm with Beck on the big tubs of plain full-fat, though i have recently been corrupted by Liberte, the Quebec company. they have nice organic and plain stuff but it's the cherry fullfat, with real sugar, that makes me cream my pants. seriously. me and that yogurt are the love that dare not speak its name.

    i used to make my own in Korea. had a yogurt maker and everything. can't find the equivalent stuff here. was going to try until i found Liberte...(no, they don't pay me. they should).

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  4. I saw that, about writing to Danone about if you like to eat Activia for the taste or for the BM factor. I thought it was a joke at first. Ew! My kids eat a LOT of yogurt and the high sugar content has always bugged me a bit. Hm. Something to think about.

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  5. Ah, see, mine has an OPINION on milk and cheese which is why yogurt is a life-line to me.

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  6. My mom makes something she calls "yogourt cheese" (I'm not sure about the process - I'd rather not know) and gives it to Pie with frozen blueberries in it. A few weeks ago, the subject of mortality came up, and when I acknowledged that at some point Grandma would die, Pie burst into tears. Between sobs, she explained, "But I really, really like that yogourt!"

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  7. Oh, and Bon - I hear you on the Liberte yogourt. I like the peach-passion fruit flavour. It is very, very riche en plaisirs!

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  8. Me too on the tubs of full-fat plain yogurt, if available (only 2 of the 4 groceries I frequent has the full-fat plain kind, and 2 of the 4 have the really large tubs ... but only 1 has both). It's local(ish), too.

    Some of my family members swear by Activia and I KEEP TELLING THEM that all yogurts have those great bacterias in them, but they NEVER LISTEN to me. Harumph.

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  9. I used to make my own in a thermos but I've been lazy about that. We buy tubs of Stonyfield brand (do you have that one?), usually in vanilla. It does have quite a bit of sugar in it still so I should go back to plain. For some reason, adding honey seems like the final straw that will make my morning routine completely fall into shambles.

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  10. My 8yo son wants a digestive system for Christmas because of this yogurt commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjffmG9Z7zE

    I have to admit, if this yogurt could actually make my innards totally adorable and cuddly, I'd buy it despite it's distasteful name, Yakult.

    I can only tolerate yogurt that doesn't taste like yogurt. I have to think it's a fruity pudding. If there is any hint of earthiness, I feel nauseated. Forget plain yogurt or even vanilla. I need the sugars to choke it down.

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  11. I noticed a similar trend with sour cream. The established brand name has all these wonky ingredients. So I swithced to a brand that only has three, all recognizable (Although "milk ingredients"? What does that mean? Shouldn't it just be plain "milk?")

    Alas. I buy the sugar-laden yogurt because it's the only stuff my kids will eat. Even then, it's taboo for school lunch because IT GETS WARM! IT TASTES WEIRD! EWWW!

    *sigh*

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  12. I've been eating Greek yogurt lately. I love all the protein...the cost, not so much.

    And my kids are totally turned off by plain yogurt, even yogurt with honey. Maple syrup I have not tried...

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  13. My son gets one of those awful sugary yogurts once a week. As a treat, instead of sweets.

    Other than that I only eat 10% fat Greek yogurt. It's not cheap but it's the only thing that tastes good. I don't eat much of it though, we don't do dairy much.

    We put honey on the yogurt, put it on top of muesli, or my son sometimes likes a bit of jam into his.

    I found a blog post about how to make your own yogurt at soulemama's blog. I thought some of you might be interested.

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  14. I make my own with whole milk. My kids like with with maple syrup and walnuts. Or honey and almonds. Or sometimes just with jam.

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  15. Yes. Plain yogurt with stuff mixed in. We usually add a spoonful of jam or jelly. I never ever ever buy the flavored stuff at the store; costs more, full of junk.

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  16. OK, you all have encouraged me to redeem myself. Thunk, thunk, thunk. Going down cellar to get the yogurt maker and dust it off.

    My kids like the Dannon Coffee yogurt, which is like a dessert and probably made with GM milk to boot. Recently all the yogurt cups have lids that you have to save or enter online or mail away to give a stinking dime to breast cancer research and it's annoying me, so for no other reason than that I'm looking to switch.

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